I want to be a stay at home mom

Posted January 7th, 2008 by mommyofthreegirls

working

I am a working mom who really wants to be at home with my girls. My husband says there is no way we can afford it. Does anyone have any ideas to help me?

I feel your pain!!! This

On January 8th, 2008 phoenixgrlkim1 says:

I feel your pain!!! This morning I got up, got dressed, my kids up and dressed and for like the 50th time in the last year said I wish we didn't have to rush every morning to get up and dress and hurry to drop off at daycare. Unfortunately, right now, I'm the primary bread winner in our household so not working is totally not an option for me. Here's a couple of questions...are your girls in school or would you need daycare? I ask because maybe you could find a part time job that requires to work just during their school hours. How about working an offset hour so you could spend more time at home with them in the morning and work later into the evening while your husband's home? I know they have things now a days like medical billing or other home base things but financially I don't know how well those do. I know that when I stayed home with my kids I waitressed and bartended and could earn a weekly salary on like 3-4 nights maybe that's an idea. Good luck either way. I know it's never fun when you work and would rather be home playing with your kids!

"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."

I understand completey. I

On January 8th, 2008 Susie says:

I understand completey. I have been cutting back on work over the years to be with my kids and finally, two years ago, quit my job. Now, I work 15-20 hours a week from home and it's a great balance. I will say that our family has accumlated some debt in order for me to do this - we haven't cut back our spending as much as we could have - but I don't regret the decision.
If you haven't already done this, really look at your expenses, ways to cut back and ways to save. If you can swing it, it's worth cutting back work or quitting while you have this strong desire to be with the kids.

Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 6 and 2.

Susie, What kind of work do

On January 14th, 2008 marebear says:

Susie,
What kind of work do you do from home? I would love to find some computer work I could do from home about 20 hours a week. Do you, or does anyone else, know of anything? I'm not looking for a home business, and I don't want to join, subscribe, or order anything. I'm looking for a real company to hire me to telecommute. Anybody know of one?

Check your local library.

On January 8th, 2008 sweepwinner4 says:

Check your local library. There are some great books that will walk you through your current budget and stay at home budget to see if you really can afford to stop working. My husband stays at home with our kids and we would not have it any other way.

So, you have already

On January 8th, 2008 Katy1999 says:

So, you have already discussed this with your husband, and he's not in agreement with you, yet you want to do it anyway?
This is a decision that has to be made by both parties, as it requires a lot of sacrifice from him, too. If he is the one who handles your finances and he is saying you can't afford it, he's probably right.
I am guessing by your moniker that you already have three children - was there any discussion of what the arrangement would be before you started having children - or at least after the first or second child, before you kept adding to your family?
I am just wondering becuase now seems somewhat late in the game to make such a change, especially if you haven't planned for it financially. I would think about it and ask yourself what your real motivation is - is it really that you feel your children are being deprived of your attention, or rather that you just don't feel like having a job anymore and not working sounds like more fun? If it's the latter, then it isn't fair to your husband - you have to do what is best for your entire family, and not just what sounds good to you.
There are many days whe I think I'd rather be at home, but then we would not be able to afford the private school I feel is so important for my son, nor would my husband be able to continue pursuing his degree. So, it would be selfish of me to
even ask.
If after careful consideration you really and truly feel that this would be the best thing for you and your whole family, and not just you personally - then I would sit down and take a look at your finances, and see if there is any way you can justify this..... carefully plan out what kind of sacrifices you'd have to make, point out where you can cut corners to make up for your lack of income, and then present him with your proposal....you can't just say "I want to stay at home, you figure out how to support us"......you have to show him how you think it can actually work if you want him to listen.....it depends of how much of your household income comes from your salary....but I would think with three children you'd be spending quite a bit on daycare - perhaps eliminating that expense would be enough to offset the income you'll miss if you quit. Once the kids are all in school there is no reason why you can't at least get a part time job to help support your family.
Good luck.

I think your answer is quite

On January 13th, 2008 ArizonaMoms says:

I think your answer is quite thoughtful. So often we want to do things from the gut without thinking through how it affects others. Finances are huge. Dealing with it as you go is never a good answer. You really need to think through the money part. Look at all the foreclosures related to mortgage payments going up a few hundred dollars. Quitting a job likely will hurt more than $300 a month.

For some husbands, there also is so much more stress if they are the sole supporter. And that could put a pinch on the relationship. Talking about those feelings is also important.

That said, many women do start up home-based businesses when they want to quit the workforce to be with their family more or at least try to create more flexibility to be with their family. Talking to a business counselor at the Maricopa Community Colleges Small Business Development Center may be helpful. It'll take some work doing the research and creating a plan. But doing it right makes your chances at success much better.

Arizona Moms Editor Yvette Armendariz shares stories about raising her kids and tips for busy parents in her Time-starved (goddess) Mom blog. She and her husband are raising two children, ages 8 and 11.

Thanks......I am glad to see

On January 13th, 2008 Katy1999 says:

Thanks......I am glad to see someone understood the point I was trying to make. I have seen a lot of examples where there is no actual plan for the wife to be sahm before the pregnancy or even before the baby comes.........but then once the baby arrives the woman suddenly announces she's not going back to work.
Being that I have worked with a lot of guys, I hear the complaints from the man's point of view.....I used to work with one guy whose wife pulled this stunt....they had planned for her to work after they had their first baby, but then she decided she wasn't doing it, and she flaty refused to work and said "You figure out how to make it work". It really put a huge mount of stress on him....and I could tell he resented her, big time. She didn't cut back on her spending, either.....I could hear him on the phone with her all the time arguing about money. She would call and tell him she wanted to buy stuff like $100 rugs for the baby's room and then have a fit when he said they couldn't afford it. He had to empty his 401k to support them. She would hire a sitter to watch the baby so she could have "alone" time or go out for coffee with her neighborhood freinds.....and not tell him, he found out when he noticed large amounts of money missing from their accounts. I haven't talked to him in years, but would not be suprised if they ended up divorcing.

I think if women could hear some of the things their husbands say about them they woul think twice about putting them in positions like this without having a well thought out plan or any discussion beforehand. If you want to be sahm, you have to have a solid financial plan about how to make it work, and not just think your husband will "figure it all out" or that money will magically fall from the sky.
It seems a lot of women these days don't have much respect or appreciation for their husbands, they just think of them as walking ATM machines and they have this sense of entitlement that once they get married their life should be all about what they want to do, and the husband's sole purpose is to indulge their every whim.
No wonder so many marriages end in divorce.

After having my baby at age

On January 8th, 2008 sdebralh says:

After having my baby at age 36, I couldn't leave him with anyone. After much thought what to do, I decided to stay home with him and watch 4 other small children in my home. I get 30.00 a day per child, and I couldn't be happier seeing my 14 mth old playing and having fun with the other children his age. We have reading time, blocks, playtime, songs, etc. My son just loves his friends and its the most rewarding job that I've ever had. I know a friend that was age 40 when she had her first child that just quit her high paying job to stay home with her 3 year old son. She now watches children too. She thought it couldn't be done, but after much advice and encouragement, she is happier than ever and says she will continue watching children long after her 3 year old begins school. Another friend I know works from home doing Billing and loves staying home with her 18 mth old.
I think anything can be done. Just keep thinking about it. The right decision will come.

One Happy Mom in Arizona.

I try not to actively

On January 13th, 2008 Aymee says:

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I stay home with my son, and

On January 14th, 2008 kmom2004 says:

I stay home with my son, and I can tell you that before you go thinking the grass is always greener, there are down sides to being a stay at home mom too. A lot of days, doing housework feels like I am pulling my fingernails out. IT gets old, and trust me, sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just pay someone else to do a lot of what I do, and go make extra money for our family. I also get lonely a lot, but I only have one child. We have been trying for a second, so I am sure that will keep me busier.

There are also issues over money spent on free time, especially when only one person is working.

That being said: Do you pay a lot of money for daycare? Because you won't have those expenses if you decide to stay home, so you could try pointing that out. My husband is an accountant, so when I was pregnant, we sat down and put everything on a spreadsheet. Then we made a goal to pay off all of our debt so that we did not have the stress of extra payments every month, and we made sure he made enough money to adaquately support our family before I quit my job.

I have to be a lot less focused on things that I want, like a cute new pair of shoes or a new handbag. We don't have extra money for as much shopping or going to do fun things. It is totally worth it to not have the stress of rushing around to be at work.

Thank you for all your

On January 14th, 2008 mommyofthreegirls says:

Thank you for all your comments. I realize that being a stay at home is more of a dream than a reality. I am a teacher, which, when it comes to raising children is one of the best jobs I can have. I find myself jealous of the mom's who have the time to go on all the field trips and attend all the parties. But I work on finding ways to get home as fast as possible, like picking one day a week and staying really late rather than staying after a little each day.

I am so lucky that I have a great family support, my mom and dad watch my two youngest and ask for very little in return. That also becomes a problem when the kids are more attached to them than me.

I am not trying to be selfish is wishing this, I just know how great it was growing up with a mom who was always there. It was amazing. I just "wish" my children could have it, but anymore it is almost impossible.

I dont think wishing for

On January 15th, 2008 Katy1999 says:

I dont think wishing for something is selfish at all.....but if you want to make such a monumental lifestyle change, it takes more than just wishing......many of the sahms who have commented have given great insight into how they made this work. If you really think it is what is best for all of you, then you have to be able to prove it on paper before you can ask your husband to buy into it.
If you are a teacher, then don't you have your summers free to be with your kids? That is one thing you have that many o us don't, so you should count that as a blessing.
I am a working mom and I aslo feel like I miss out on a lot.......i.e all the volunteer work in the classroom, etc. I take time off for every field trip that I can, but I am not a permanent fixture in the classroom as many of the sahm's are. Despite all that, I feel like I am always there for my son when he needs me, and someday he'll see that I put my wants and needs aside to be able to provide him with the kind of life and education that I never had as a child. There is more to being a good mom and being there for your children than just staying at home and being physically present. I see many sahm's at my son's school who play the role of the perfect sahm, but in reality seem so pre-occupied with their own social agendas, always chatting with the other moms, on their phones, etc that they hardly seem to interact with their own children. You see them pull up to drop the kids off and they don't even say goodbye because they are so busy with their cell phone conversations......I think that's sad. Every time I leave my son I tell him how much I love him., and when I pick him up later I can't wait to hear about his day. There is no one I'd be more interested in talkng to!

If you are sincere about

On January 14th, 2008 santeensmom says:

If you are sincere about staying at home, I would sit down and have a calm discussion about why you feel it would be better for you to stay home. How will it benefit the overall family.

The next thing you MUST do is a budget. Itemize all your expenses and go over them. When we decided for me to stay home, we looked at after day care expenses, what I was left with from my after tax salary. Yikes! I would brought home a 1/3rd of my salary and that was before gas, lunches, travel time, etc. This is the amount I would actually contributed if I were to return to work. Only with a budget, can you see how possible staying at home really is. In reality, you and your husband should both know your finanicial situation at all times -- it keeps you both accountable.

We have a set monthly budget (food, gas, dining out, baby, misc.). Each section is alotted a certain amount. Anything that goes over the budget MUST be discussed or else there will be a firm conversation about it. The misc column MUST always be discussed. Every receipt is tracked in a spreadsheet and at any time either of us can see how we are doing. If we are getting close to our magic number, I tell my husband and we discuss it from there. I also run a balance sheet on our finances to see how we are doing on current basis through out the year.

For food, I set a menu for two weeks and only go shopping twice a month. This has saved us around $100 month compared to when I shopped every week.

Initially, my husband felt stressed about being the sole provider. We agreed to give it a 6 month trial period. Now, at almost six months, he is proud of what he is doing and doesn't want our daughter in day care.

If you and your husband always planned your finances around a dual income, then he could very well be right. I always told my husband we should plan everything on his income and my income would be the extra money -- I think this is the big reason why I was able to stay home.

Best of luck talking with your husband.

Jaime

It's nice to have this topic

On January 24th, 2008 Stella says:

It's nice to have this topic going on right now; since I've been dealing with the "issue" quite a lot here lately in my/our life. I'm mother to a 2 1/2 yr. old wonderful boy who is my world. I stayed-home with him until about 3 wks. ago; prior to having him and being pregnant (I stayed-home then as well and also moved a lot for my Husband's job, finally settling here in Phoenix when I was about 7 mos. pregnant) I worked in the high-pressure, corporate Inside-Sales world. I have a B.S. as well. I was never really "into" it I guess you could say, but outwardly I was always successful and always a top-employee. So, without enough forthought and insanely during the holidays for some dumb-reason! :) I "decided" that I might return back to work, my Husband wasn't too thrilled with it, as we had already agreed that I was going to stay at home at least until he started school and maybe longer, another child maybe? Or maybe even home-school (a whole other topic :) ), but he still said it was my decision. So I got a job about 3 wks. ago, right after starting I knew I should've asked A LOT more questions than I did, I made the mistake a lot of us stay-at-home-Moms returning to the workforce make by thinking THEY were doing ME a favor by hiring me, as if my years of successful employment and education meant nothing after staying at home for 3 1/2 years (don't make the same mistake I did, YOU are always worth EVERYTHING you did career-wise before becoming a Mom, and they are NOT doing you a FAVOR, if anything you are helping them by bringing the wonderful multi-tasking skills you've REALLY learned and honed by being a hard-working SAHM! ), so I ended-up working for a mico-managing, control-freak in and for a company that was /is failing horribly (corporate is out-of-state, I'll be suprised if they last through the end of the year here). My child had to be in daycare for a long time, (Husband didn't get-off work until around the same time I did). I missed him HORRIBLY, I would go to my car and cry sometimes on breaks or even after dropping him off, after having to literally peel him off of my leg, crying. Aaargh! Also he got a double-ear infection almost right away, and my work had a cold-virus going around when I started, I got that, worked through it, it was hell, and then got the 2nd virus going around there yesterday. To TRY and make a long-story short (sorry guys this is so long, but I'm hoping my story/situation will help some of you guys) my Husband after me crying to him this am about me being sick again, missing our child SO badly and worrying about him, telling him I calculated $ I was making and what we were spending on me working; i.e.-daycare, gas, clothes, food, haircut(s), and on and on. (It was business-formal there EVERYDAY, and I had no clothes basically to start with), it really wasn't worth-it. My Husband doesn't make a huge amount of money, but I guess his salary would fall into the solid middle-class rating, we live simply, in a small rental, have 2 cars, only one low car payment, no credit-cards, live frugally. So I resigned this am, and I literally feel a physical-weight lifted off of my shoulders. My child was ecstatic when I told him, he said, "OH, Mama and Baby at home again togetha'!!!".................
Now I'm NOT bashing daycare AT ALL, I totally understand that there are millions of families, single-parents, etc that absouletly have to do it, and my goodness how I ADMIRE and empathize with them, it is very hard. But I honestly think that IF (that's aside from all of those who absouletly cannot work it out financially or are single-parents or love their jobs/careers-I wasn't in any of those categories) you can stay home and want then you should. I hated every minute of my 3 wks. but that's just ME noone else, I know that there are a lot of women out there who love their careers/jobs and that's awesome, but I hated what I did. I actually have an interview for a low-key, PT evening job around the corner when my child will be asleep. So I think that will work much better for our family. I guess what I've been trying to say with all of my banter, is I SO admire working-Mothers even more so now that I did it, short-time it may have been, but I definetly experienced it, God-love you women, AND all of us women SAHM's, ALL of us. I think we're all doing what we think and what is best for our families. It can be hard either way, and we should always support each other regardless. But yes, if you wan't to stay-at-home and can work it out, then by all means do. For extra money there are a lot of options out there that won't take you away from your kids/home too much of the day. Take-Care and Good-Luck! :)

That is such great insight

On February 23rd, 2008 kmom2004 says:

That is such great insight into what is such a hard situation. I think it just goes to show that being a mom is hard no matter if you are a SAHM or a working mom, as moms we always have to be making sacrifices on some level. Being a mom is just a hard but rewarding job.

I am a single mom of 2 girls

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I want to be a stay at mom

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If you have any questions I would be happy to answer any questions you may have

Michelle

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