Lack of support from Fiance

I did bookkeeping for a family member, many moons ago, and family working for family is a difficult mix. It didn't work out very well for me.

While I did not experience PPD, I did have huge guilt issues here and there about not being a "Merry Maid" while my husband was gone. I came to believe that it was because I was used to being/feeling very productive and that most of that kinda came to a standstill when my kids were little. It's a lot of work taking care of little kids - especially since you have 2 under 2! Bless your heart!!

Maybe you could sit down with him and ask if when he comes home, could you talk about his day, what he did, how things went first and then talk about you? That might give him time to diffuse his anger from whatever happened during the day. Sometimes, their workday is hectic and coming home to, in their eyes, one more thing to "deal with" makes a guy crabby.

And, here's another thing...maybe it's not the house but the fact that he's really hungry??? I am totally serious!!!

Do you have dinner ready when he comes home?? Or a snack if he's home early? I know this might sound a little primitive, but there's something about a guy walking through the door at the end of a workday and expecting food and getting crabby when it's NOT ready. It's as though the smell of food should tickle their nose upon crossing the threshold.

I am NOT kidding. I have several girlfriends who have tried the same strategy and it works! I even set the timer sometimes so that I am guaranteed to have something ready...even if it's eggs & toast! ;-)

Now, if only the same magic would work to get them to do the dishes afterward!

Good luck! You are doing an amazing job helping both your family and your baby girls. Go MOM!

Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.

People who haven't had to deal with PPD just don't get it.

If you haven't yet, you need to make an appointment with your OB/GYN and ask him/her about referring you to someone for counseling and/or meds. Before you can do anything else, you have to get your PPD under control.

As to your fiance, I'm sorry to say it but he sounds like a complete jerk. I am a SAHM and my husband works, but he would NEVER say anything like that to me. He understands how hard it is to stay home with two young children (mine are 2 and 6 months). He learned how hard it was to deal with one when he took care of our son after I was put on bed rest while pg with our daughter. Trying to clean with a toddler around is like trying to wrangle cats. For every one thing you pick up, they pull another two out. Luckily I am able to put my son in day care two days a week, which enables me to clean more effectively. On the days that he's home I can do things like laundry and cleaning the kitchen (we have it gated off).

I think putting yourself aside to talk about HIS day will just reaffirm his attitude that he is more important and productive than you are. Maybe some women are okay with the whole caveman thing, but I think it's just asinine.

I think he needs to have a dose of his own medicine. One weekend, leave the kids with him and go to the movies, hang out with girlfriends, treat yourself to a manicure, or whatever it is you like to do. Let him see what its like to try and handle two young children at the same time while trying to clean the house.

It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.

First of all, with kids, I don't know how any mother keeps a clean home. I have only one child age 18 mths, and it seems like all I do is go behind him all day picking up the trail he left. My husband very seldom complains about a dirty house, but when he does say something, I always come back with the comment, "If you would have taken care of the chores, we wouldn't have this issue." So, turn it back into his own face. Put more responsibility on him with house chores. If moms can work all day and do chores, then husbands can too. If needed, bring someone in for an hour or two and pay them to clean. If I had two kids, I would have too. I know the load with just one child and my mom always tells me to let the house go, and friends tell me to hire someone to help me out.
Second, with the PPD, please seek help through your doctor for this if you haven't already done so. I know after a baby, our hormones are all whacky, but in time, you should get stronger and bounce back. Can your mother-in-law help out with the house too? I know my mom sure did and every little bit helps. He shouldn't be screaming at you. The next time he does, put him in his place. Right now, you are probably emotional and physically weak and can't stand up for yourself. Sometimes I think when we are at our weakest, men want to take advantage of us. I've been there too during my pregnancy, but my husband knows I'll attack him right back if he dares to disrespect me now that I'm stronger than ever. Please seek help for the chores and PPD until you can get your strength back. Your husband needs to understand that you have two small children, you are helping your in-laws, and because of this, you have no more energy or time to clean house.

One Happy Mom in Arizona.

As the previous posters suggested, having your fiancee "walk a mile in your shoes" is a great idea. He needs to be on board with that suggestion if it's going to work. To me, it sounds like he doesn't understand the true impact that PPD can have. I have seen it almost tear families apart. You need support and help dealing with it; he needs to be on board with that as well. Is he open to reading any literature or going to counseling with you? Also, both of you need to make sure your expectations of each other are clear. Does he really expect a sparkling house and a hot meal on the table - or is he taking his bad day out on you? Sometimes getting the expectations out on the table makes us realize that they are unrealistic. When the kids are little, it's difficult to get anything done. As the kids get older, it does get easier. And, one final suggestion that might help you keep your sanity - think about ways that you can structure your day to take advantage of your peak energy times, and times that the kids are easily playing by themselves. For me, when I worked outside of the house, the easiest thing for me was to pull out the crockpot. I could throw in a bunch of ingredients the night before, after the kids had gone to bed, pull it out of the fridge in the morning, and dinner was taken care of for the day. Good luck to you, and stay positive.

I completely empathize with you. I have three children and as a teacher I am home during the summer. I go through the same thing, messy house, tired and grouchy children and an unsatisfied spouse. I think first we as mothers need to know that we will never be able to get everything done. There will always be things to pick up, laundry to be washed, and meals to be made. I highly reccomend the book "Sink Reflections", it is an amazing book about getting your cleaning and life organized using baby steps. It is very easy to follow, and very effective. I also reccomend hiring someone to clean your house at least once a month. Also, I go to Souflez, which is a meal prep facility. This is a life saver. It takes about an hour to prepare fabulous meals for your family. It also has a play room for the kids while you prepare. And if you want to take some time for yourslef, take a couple of friends with you, because a party of three they provide drinks, a fancy dessert to enjoy and a 10% discount. Last I really reccomend the notion of "What goes around, comes around", now I don't mean treat your husband rudely since that is how he is treating you. I mean, be loving and happy to see him when he gets home. He will not be able to be inconsiderate, when your hugging and loving him. I purchased a book on CD titled "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" written by Dr.Laura Schlessinger. It is about how men really turn around and take care of their wives, when wives take care of them. It was crazy how wonderful my husband was to me when I was happy and loving. Good luck in all you do, and know that you are an amazing mom, they are so lucky to have you home with them.

IF (notice the big IF) my husband ever did this to me....i would pack me a bag and when he came home from work on friday night, i would tell him he has the weekend with our daughter and i will see him monday morning before he has to leave for work.

I would give him the opportunity of spending all of his time with our daughter and see how much he can get accomplished while trying to care for a 19 month old. I think then he would have a new found respect for you.

Sorry, but when we decided to have a baby, we discussed how having a little one would change both of our lives, NOT just mine because i am the mommy!! My husband and i clean together on the weekends and there are small things that i do during the week while our daughter is napping or entertaining herself with books or toys. But there is no way i could do it all by myself.

just~me

I suffered horribly from PPD after my third baby and have since been a women's health advocate, focusing on perinatal mood disorders and how to avoid them in subsequent pregnancies.

I have a blog that I've been working on for about a year at: http://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com. There, I've had some wonderful national PPD experts and authors contribute content. Women like Dr. Shoshana Bennett, Ann Dunnewold, and also Susan Dowd Stone, President of Postpartum Support International. They've offered some great advice for my readers, and amazing moms like yourself have shared their PPD stories.

I agree with the other moms here that it's imperative that you schedule an appointment with your doctor to talk about your PPD symptoms. And perhaps get a referral for a psychologist who specialized in perinatal mood disorders. Postpartum Support International has a fantastic web site, http://postpartum.net/ and they even offer free phone counseling sessions.

Please feel free to email me for any other PPD info or resources at: kristin@empowher.com.

DesertMom
http://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com

Seriously? He yells at you for not cleaning more? Geez does that sound pathetic.
Try telling him the mess doesn't bother you a lick, but if it bothers him that he can clean it up! I'm sure he has time after dinner before he goes to bed...
:)

Very very early in our parenting, my husband and I established a pattern of simply talking about "what needed to get done that night" or "what needed to get done over the weekend" The "list" doesn't have my name or his name peggd to it. These are projects that simply need to get done...by somebody. We both tackle them and have free time when they are all done.

I mean, gee, aren't we all supposed to be adults who can take charge of our own lives? If he wants a clean floor, then he ought to bend over and pick up whatever is laying on it!

It is incredibly hard to have 2 small children. There were days that I just sat down and cried with frustration. But it DOES get easier.

Perhaps you should show him these postings?
Do you have a relationship that is intimate enough, with honest communication, that you can share your frustrations and say, "hey, I think it would be helpful to me, and important for us, if you read this discussion stream to get a sense of what I'm dealing with..."

Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 7 yr. old daughter and a 5 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.